what to do when your twelve year old doesnt listenand talks back

Do you lot e'er experience like the consequences you requite your kid aren't working—and that he's just not listening? Giving consequences is more difficult than people realize sometimes, so don't beat yourself up if you experience similar you've been missing the mark. There's really no perfect way to do information technology—some consequences are simply more effective than others.

I think it's important to understand that the consequence you give your child is also a consequence for you, as well. It's not pleasant—and information technology can often be hard to follow through. A consequence requires yous to set limits that brand your child uncomfortable. Yous also often have to monitor him more than closely and endure pushback in the form of backtalk and bad attitude. Sometimes the bad behavior even escalates temporarily, leading yous to question the consequence you chose in the beginning place. So if you want your child to heed, your role is to not only gear up the consequence in a clear, straight style, but too to brand sure that your child follows through and that a lesson is learned. It's no picnic.

"The consequence you requite your child is as well a event for you, also. It's not pleasant—and it tin often be hard to follow through."

Here are 9 tried–and–true "secrets" to giving consequences. I used these techniques when managing tough teens in residential handling centers for decades, as well as with my own son.

one. Connect the upshot to the beliefs

The effect you give should be as closely related to your child's misbehavior as possible. For example, if your daughter comes in late for curfew on Friday night, set her curfew 15 minutes earlier the next weekend. If she is responsible and succeeds in coming in on time, she tin can have her erstwhile curfew dorsum. Here's some other scenario. If your xiii–year–old child curses at you lot or calls you names, y'all might accept away his video games or jail cell phone and tell him he tin have them dorsum afterwards he'due south been civil to you (and everyone in the family) for two hours. If he slips up, the ii hours volition commencement all once more. That way, your child is practicing good behavior and working toward the goal of meliorate behavior. And just like with anything else in life, practise is how your kid will larn to make better choices when he's upset or aroused.

2. Avert giving "never–ending consequences."

The consequences you lot give should have a definite beginning and end. You don't want to make them so long and drawn out that your kid tin can't encounter the lite at the end of the tunnel. When consequences are too harsh or accept no end, he'll starting time to feel similar information technology's hopeless and he'll just give upwardly. Just like the residue of us, kids accept to feel like they're capable of following through on whatever the expectation is.

3. Requite your child achievable consequences

Along the same lines as the to a higher place, your child needs to exist capable of doing what y'all ask. For example, if you say that his effect is to fix and paint the wall he damaged, merely he has no idea how to practice that, you lot'll both end up frustrated—and the bad behavior will probably escalate.

4. Make the consequence uncomfortable for your child

Brand certain the consequence you give your child makes him uncomfortable. It would be meaningless to accept away a video game from a kid who doesn't similar them very much, for example. Rather, look at what nosotros might term "goodies." What are the things your child values? What is his "currency?" What are the things he does when he avoids his responsibilities? Your kid might be watching TV or texting friends instead of doing homework or chores, for case. An effective consequence would then exist related to that Tv or prison cell phone usage. Equally my husband James always said, "Y'all can lead a equus caballus to water and y'all can't brand him drink—but you lot tin make him thirsty." And then find the thing that your child will feel uncomfortable losing temporarily, and then apply it as a issue to help him work toward improve behavior.

5. Give consequences that take an impact on your child'south thinking

When your child misbehaves, you always want to enquire him this question afterward: "What will yous do differently next time?" Have him come upward with some examples. (If he can't, you can help him with a few of your ain.) You tin can say, "When yous wanted to sentry your show, you lot grabbed the remote out of your blood brother's hands and pushed him down onto the sofa. What will you practise differently side by side fourth dimension so you don't go in trouble?" That way, when you give the effect, ("No TV until you can get along with your brother for three hours straight.") there's a lesson embedded inside of it.

6. Don't yell or get emotional when delivering consequences

If you lot're wondering how to get your child to mind, one style is to avert yelling, screaming or arguing when giving a consequence. Don't debate—it will only make things worse and result in a power struggle. Rather, speak clearly and in a thing–of–fact tone of voice. If you start yelling, it makes it more well-nigh you—and the argument itself—than your child's behavior and the lesson you're trying to teach him. Recollect, if you're out of control information technology reduces your authority.

7. Requite yourself time to recollect things through

For many of us, information technology's hard to stay at-home and requite an effective issue when your child has misbehaved. If you're feeling frustrated or angry, y'all might say, "Let'south talk about this when we're both calm. I'll become dorsum to you later in the day." Or, "Nosotros'll talk over this in an hour." In that location are times when you lot as a parent need time to think about what issue would be most effective. Often it'southward useful for your child to have time to call up nigh what he's done, also. It'south uncomfortable for kids to take to expect and hear what their parent is going to say—and taking that time will assistance you come up with a more than effective upshot.

8. Match the level of the consequence to the level of the misbehavior

Don't overreact or nether–react. Parents can often be too intense or too permissive. Information technology'southward easy to fall into the trap of under–reacting, and neglect to follow through on giving a consequence, for case. Or they overreact and make the consequence as well long or difficult. Both of those stances are ineffective. If your child kicks a hole in the wall, taking away his video games for a mean solar day isn't going to really do the pull a fast one on. Simply on the other paw, if he teases his sister at dinner, grounding him for 2 weeks is too harsh. Call back, a effect is intended to teach a lesson and should be continued to the misbehavior.

9. Create a card of consequences

When you lot have a moment to yourself, come up with a carte du jour of consequences for your child. Sit downwardly and write a list of consequences and rewards that might be of value to him. Y'all can even ask your child for his own ideas for rewards. In fact, rewarding good behavior is just equally of import as giving consequences. A advantage could be a trip to the mall, a motion picture rental, or extra video game fourth dimension after school. When you see your child behaving the way he should, take fourth dimension to discover and so say something well-nigh it. The old adage of "Take hold of your child being good" is truthful for a reason—it acknowledges good behavior and inspires him to keep trying.

When I worked in residential treatment with troubled teens, we had a menu of consequences and rewards and matched them to each private child. We besides asked them for ideas for consequences for themselves. When they came up with their ain result and imposed information technology, it worked very well. Let's say your ten–year–old child breaks his younger brother's toy. He may come upwardly with a consequence like, "I'll pay for a new toy out of my own money." You as well want kids to start making that friction match between their behavior and making amends when they've injure someone or cleaved something—this is also part of the lesson they need to learn.

What if the consequences y'all give notwithstanding aren't working?

Does your child seem to shrug off your consequences? Believe me, over the years I've met a lot of kids who have said, "Whatever. I don't intendance." It'southward easy to believe your consequences aren't working when you hear those words. This is oftentimes a way for your child to bluff or withhold compliance because you're defenseless in a power struggle. The consequence may be an effective one, and your child may in fact be uncomfortable, but he's not going to show yous that, no affair what. If it'southward a actually meaningful upshot, he might be angry and lash out. The central is to pay attention to your kid'southward behavior and not his words. For example, if you transport your 12–year–quondam son to his room and he complies, mumbling under his breath all the way, and then he's actually following through even though his words don't sound that manner.

If y'all still find that the consequence you've given isn't effective, there's nothing wrong with going dorsum to the drawing board. If you've assigned likewise harsh of a issue, yous may need to rethink what you've said and come back with something else. Or, you may need to alter the effect because your child isn't taking it seriously. Permit's say your teenager is so distracted that he'southward non getting his homework done. Yous might decide to take his cell phone away for one dark and say something like, "Yous may have your telephone back after you've completed your work."  He's working toward a reward (the phone) by doing his homework. But when you find he's still non completing his assignments, you lot might take him work at the kitchen tabular array then you tin make certain he'south not on Facebook or chatting with friends when he's supposed to be studying for his math test. Y'all can say, "Information technology seems like you get really distracted in your room. I'd like you to do your homework here for a few days until I encounter that you're able to be responsible on your own." Again, recollect to make certain the consequence has a start and an end.

How "Writing It Out" Can Help Your Child

One technique that works very well after a child has misbehaved is to have them sit down down by themselves and "write it out." For the child who gets so upset he can't tell yous why he did what he did, this can be an extremely useful tool. Basically, your kid should record what happened from start to stop. Then, he should write what he volition practice differently next time. This removes any emotion from the situation and lets kids at-home downwardly and gather their thoughts. For younger children, (age 3~6) yous might have them depict a picture. When kids are a piddling flake older (first to third class, for case) you might ask them to write one paragraph, and then on.

The interaction you take with your kid after you read his explanation likewise volition give you a way to come together calmly and talk almost what he learned—and likewise bring some closure. The conversation might go like this: "It was wrong for you lot to striking your sister when y'all were mad at her. I read your note about what yous could do differently next fourth dimension and you lot said 'When she annoys me, I can but tell her to stop or I can leave the room.' I think that'southward a practiced programme. And I'll effort to help you practise it next time, too. Merely let me know if you demand my assist."

It actually is of import to have closure on the situation if you can. And then, when information technology'southward done, it'due south washed. Try to acknowledge to your child that if he's met the consequence, information technology's over, and you're moving on together.

Let's face it, it's difficult to give consequences: our kids don't like to get them and they let us know virtually it—loudly. Merely our chore is not to be friends with our kids, our job is to be their parent. Equally much equally children may complain, kids whose parents prepare limits feel safer. And when you follow through on consequences, you're teaching your children life lessons that they'll carry with them into adulthood.

Related content: How to Field of study Your Child: Effective Consequences for Children Who Don't Listen

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Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-get-your-child-to-listen-9-secrets-to-giving-effective-consequences/

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